I came across this article by Gail Blanke in Real Simple magazine and just had to share it.
It's no surprise that we as women have a hard time asking for what we want. Whether it's a new job, a raise, a promotion, or change in behavior from friend/spouse/children. Most of women have a hard time asking for what they want in the bedroom as well, but that's another topic.
So why are we afraid of asking what we want? We may be afraid of seeming pushy or we may think we're not worthy of what we're asking for. Or we may think that if we're really good at something, someone will notice and just give us what we want. Another problem is women simply don't know how to ask. After all, most of us were taught to wait to be asked, whether it was to dance, go on a date, get married, or even offer our opinion. It's mind boggling that in 21st century women still have little rights and even though there are a lot of women who hold important posts, we are still looked down upon as inferior sex. So I think it's time for women to start asking for what they want. And getting it.
Step 1 - Believe in your request
You have to believe that you're absolutely worthy of having your request granted! A lot of women are afraid of coming across as arrogant. If you remember this, you want have to worry about that: Boldness comes from the strength of your conviction; arrogance comes from a feeling of entitlement. You know the difference, and that will come across when you make your pitch.
But always make sure your conviction has legs. Be prepared to follow through and make a success of what you're asking.
Step 2 - Anticipate a positive response
On the whole, we usually get what we expect from people, so your approach is important. If you approach your request with energy and optimist, if you exude positive anticipation, you immeasurably increase your chances of getting a yes from anyone. Practice this one by starting out small; ask for samples at the beauty counter, or return that lipstick that you were pressured into buying for $25+.
So how do you positively anticipate something? For starters, never apologize for asking and beware of your non-verbals, aka your posture, your facial expression and the tone of your voice. Everything should give your listener the sense that you expect him/her to say yes. Smiling really helps as well.
Most people can sense your aura. People are naturally drawn to positive and confident people. Next time you're at a party notice where the crowd is. Are people gathered around a person with a frown who constantly has something to complain about? No, people gather around someone who is confident and fun. This doesn't mean that you have to memorize 10 jokes and fell the need to entertain everyone, it means that if you exude positivity, people will be drawn to you. Heck, I can sense a fake bitch just by looking at the picture, and I'm sure you can too, but I digress.
A good example of an optimistic approach is if you're going to an interview, walk in with "you guys are going to love me" attitude. Attitude alone might not land you that job as you need to show experience, but it least it'll get your half way. And repeating a positive mantra to yourself can really calm your nerves and help you put on your best show. A good example is, "I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad you're here. I care about you. I'm in control." You'd be surprised how many people from presidential candidates to stand-up comedians have a mantra they chant before they hit the stage, so don't feel silly when you say yours. It really works.
Step 3 - Engage your audience
Consider the point of view of the person you're asking. What would make life better for him? What is he out for? What is his opinion? Then fashion your request as a means to bring his vision, desires, or viewpoints to life. When he feels that you "get it" about him, he'll take down his listening barriers and start to hear you. And that's when you swoop in with your request, almost as if he had asked for it. This technique almost never fails.
Here's an example. My co-worker recently got out of a ticket by saying the following, "You're absolutely right officer. I was speeding. And I'm disappointed in myself. I understand how important these speed limits are. If we all disobeyed them, we would have chaos, if not tragedy." The policeman nods in agreement. "And I'll never make this mistake again - that's why I'm asking you not to give me a ticket." Hey, it may seem a little out there, but what's the worst that could happen if you try?
Step 4 - Give them a chance to say no
What? Say no? The first 3 steps were about convincing them to say yes. Hear me out. Let's say you've made a pitch to your boss to launch a new initiative for your company. You're convinced it will go a long way in accomplishing the annual sales objectives and it fits beautifully with the overall strategy your boss has outlined. But your idea may be bold, different from anything your company has done before, or it requires additional funding. You can see that your boss is intrigued, but she's wavering, and this is when you describe the benefits and the costs of
not acting on your proposal.
"Look," you say. "We can just keep doing what we're doing. We won't have to take any risks, we won't spend additional funds, and we won't put ourselves out on a limb." You look up, smile expectantly, and wait for her to not. "But," you continue, "the costs of doing nothing are great too. We would forgo the opportunity to exceed our sales targets this year, we would abandon the chance to learn from trying something new, and we will have settled for doing business as usual."
Seriously, the minute you give someone a sincere change to refuse your proposal, he takes the other side and begins to defend your idea. That's when you say, "I believe you're right."
Chances are, someone already used this technique on you, you just didn't realize it at the time. So go ahead and ask for what you want, cause you just might get it.
